


Funny Chicks

by SemiFeralCatLady



Series: Wait Until the Dust Settles [2]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Murder Party
Genre: Ableist Language, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Body Image, Budding Love, Canon Typical Awfulness, Codependency, Dark Comedy, Dark Romance, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Female Friendship, Female Protagonist, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Horrible People Being Horrible, Mentioned Sexual Exploitation, Mentioned Sexual Violence, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Hatred, Slurs, Slut Shaming, Supportive Dee and Lexi, Women Being Awesome, i love villains, irresponsible behavior, mentioned humiliation, probably an au, somewhere around seasons 2 or 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 10:32:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14400303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SemiFeralCatLady/pseuds/SemiFeralCatLady
Summary: All they ever needed was real support and encouragement. A little push in the right direction. And now that they know each other's pain, they're there for each other to provide just that. Oh, but it seems they may have already developed too many bad habits in life. Will these two girls ever manage to get it right? Only time knows.





	Funny Chicks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hermit9](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hermit9/gifts), [SilverRockets](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverRockets/gifts).



> Oh boy! Here I go shipping again! I'm dedicating this piece to my good pals, Hermit9 and SilverRockets, and I am also giving props to Elsepth (who likes to refer to the girls as effluent), somecallmemichelle, and Kuromi, who together with Hermit, helped me come up with a title to this series! I owe you, folks!
> 
> Now then. I need to provide you with the obligatory 'drugs are bad' message. I realize that my stories make it pretty obvious, and frankly could be counted as cautionary tales on their own, but I need to cover my bases and explicitly state that I don't condone the heavy drug abuse going on here just in case. Call me paranoid if you want, but I don't like taking risks like that.
> 
> That being said, wow! They've really come together since the last one. I may add enemies to friends tab if requested.

“Look, all I’m saying is, it’s not too late to change the script,” Dee argued.

Thus far, she had made very little progress on this particular subject, which made no logical sense to her. Lexi scrunched her face up in an awkwardly exaggerated look of disapproval which Dee was beginning to grow accustomed to at this point. She opened her mouth as if to sigh, and paused for a moment, before speaking.

“Why do you keep coming back to this, Dee? Are you a screenwriter? You never mentioned it!” Lexi sassed, in her mild lisp which Dee only now began to notice. Dee rolled her ice blue eyes at the statement and tightened her face into an exaggerated look of annoyance. One that Lexi was becoming accustomed to.

“No. I’m not a screenwriter, bitch. You don’t have to be a screenwriter to know when a script doesn’t work.” Dee retorted.

Lexi responded with an eye roll of her own.

“What doesn’t work about my script, Dee? You just keep saying it’s shit, and you aren’t actually explaining why!”

“Uh, I just did! I told you it doesn’t work! And I’m not saying this to be a bitch, either. I’ll admit, that is what I was doing the first time, but we’re in a different place now. You’re worried about being approved for the grant, right?”

“Yeah, because this is like the third week of preproduction, and I still haven’t cast anyone. It has nothing to do with the script though!” Lexi insisted.

Dee lay her chin on her open palm, mulling over how to break through to this woman who she still only barely knew. To her, it seemed painfully obvious that the failure of the concept rested mostly in the writing at this point. But how was she going to convince this stubborn idiot that she needed to change it?

“Alright, well why haven’t you cast anyone yet?” Dee decided to concede to Lexi’s logic for a moment.

“Because everybody that I auditioned read the lines wrong! They sounded stupid!”

“Ok, but why did they sound stupid?” Dee persisted.

“I don’t know! The lines sounded stupid when they said them. Like, I think it was their tone, or inflection or something, but it just came out fucking retarded!” Lexi insisted.

“Alright, you read a line then. Show me how it’s supposed to sound.” Dee challenged.

Lexi took a moment to scan the script. Then another. She scanned through the pages, her expression growing tighter and more nervous. Finally, she let out a sigh.

“Ok, well I don’t want to.”

“And why don’t you want to?” Dee prodded.

Lexi cast her stormy blue eyes downward.

“Because it’s fucking stupid, ok! Are you happy? I can’t write scripts!”

“Alright, well. Maybe you can, maybe you can’t. We aren’t there yet. The point is, yes. This script was shit. And do you know why?” Dee pressed, as she reached over to take a small sample of the remaining cocaine. Lexi looked down with a grimace, then made eye contact with Dee again, revealing her vulnerable state.

“It’s because I’m stupid, right? I know I’m stupid. And I suck!” Lexi blinked back a tear, before returning to the numbing comfort of cocaine herself.

“You’re not stupid, Lexi. That’s not what I was getting at.”

“Yeah, I am!” Lexi argued.

“No. Listen! What you’re doing is stupid. Really fucking stupid. That doesn’t make you stupid though. Just a tool.”

“Great! So now I’m a stupid tool! Fuck me!” Lexi complained, reaching for cocaine once again. Dee shook her head.

“I didn’t say that. You’re putting words in my mouth. Look, what is it that you’re getting out of this? Have you ever asked yourself that?”

Lexi sat for a moment in silent contemplation.

“Well, it’s art. I’m expressing myself, and I’m making important statements about society, and how it just uses disenfranchised people. So it’s important. It’s like I’m, I dunno’… giving back to society?” She stated with some hesitation.

“Ok, but do you enjoy it?” Dee pressed.

“No, I don’t enjoy it. Art’s meant to be appreciated. Respected. It’s not supposed to be fun!” Lexi insisted. Dee shook her head, unable to hold in a chuckle.

“See, that’s where you’re wrong. And that’s where you’re fucking up. Lexi, you don’t really like this kind of shit. No one does! That’s why you’re not able to write a script.”

“Well, I think that’s a pretty limited view…”

“Goddamn! Are you seriously trying to convince yourself that you like this shit still? I thought we’d moved past that.”

Lexi reflectively pulled her face into a bratty sigh position, stopping just short of insulting Dee. The two had just met, and though she had thought her relatable enough to share her addiction with, this constant criticism of her artistic choices was becoming quite grating. Still, she had made a few relevant points along the way, so she decided to dial back her normal level of aggression.

“Well, what are you suggesting?” Lexi asked.

“I’m suggesting we change the script.” Dee smiled.

“We?” Lexi asked. Dee sighed and shook her head.

“Come on, Lexi! We’re obviously in it together at this point.” Dee reached into the baggy to snipe some more of the precious powder, this time choosing to rub it on her gums. Lexi did the same, without thinking.

“Well, I’m pretty protective of my script, you know. And I have a hard time colabbing with other people. All my friends tell me I’m the worst to work with. But Maybe that’s a sign I need to change. What are you suggesting?”

Dee smiled at the woman and looked her in the eyes. She could see a sense of desperation in Lexi that she’d rarely found among the people she knew.

“Alright, like I said. This kind of shit you’re doing. It doesn’t work, because no one likes it. It’s heavy-handed and makes people feel guilty in the best case. They pretend to like it out of guilt. What we need to do is make something people actually want.”

“Right. And that is?”

“People want to laugh, Lexi! Comedy’s what pops. Don’t you know that?” Lexi passed Dee an incredulous look.

“Comedy? No one respects comedians, and besides, I’m not funny.”

“First of all, some of the most popular actors of all time have been comedians. Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Dave Chapelle…”

“Name a woman!” Lexi challenged.

“Alright, Sarah Silverman! People are loving the shit out of her right now.”

“Fine. Point taken. But I’m still not funny. All my friends tell me how unfunny I am except for Macon, and that’s just because he wants to fuck me.”

“Oh, baby girl! That’s where you’re going wrong. You’re listening to your dickweed friends, who just wanna’ shit on you to keep you down. If I’d done that, I wouldn’t have even come out to New York in the first place. And by the way, yes. You are funny. From one funny chick to another, I can tell these sorts of things.”

“How am I funny?” Lexi pressed.

“Alright, for instance. Remember when you got super butthurt because I crossed the line with my blowjob comment? Your reaction to that was priceless! I had to really focus to keep myself from laughing.”

Lexi’s face took a pose of slight offense. She reached into her baggy again and gummed a bit more cocaine.

“Alright, well now it just sounds like you’re making fun of me, because I wasn’t trying to be funny there!” Lexi exclaimed.

“Well yeah. But that’s the thing though. If you’re able to work the comedy angle without trying, that means it’s coming naturally. Why would you wanna’ dismiss it?”

“Because I don’t want people to think I’m a joke!”

“And you don’t have to be if you’re laughing along with them. You gotta’ own this shit, girl!” Dee insisted.

Lexi paused for a moment, and then made eye contact with Dee.

“Alright, Dee. What if I told you I thought you were funny in the same way? Would that make you feel confident or proud?”

“Well see, if you said it to me, I’d know you were just being petty, and a bitch. You know? To get back at me.” Dee said, with an indignant glance.

“Oh, really? Because that thing you did, where you were trying to pretend you’d been acting? That shit was hilarious, and I’m pretty sure that wasn’t your intention.” Lexi cracked a smirk.

“Um… Are you trying to piss me off right now? ‘Cause if so, bravo! It’s working!” Dee snapped back. Lexi shrugged.

“You told me a while back that you were gonna’ have to be harsh, and you were doing it to help me. How do you know I’m not doing the same?”

Lexi flashed a smile which could have been read as either sincere or bitchy and was most likely a bit of both. Dee began to feel annoyed, but reminded herself of the trip back home to Paddy’s fucking Pub, and decided to dial back the emotion, though not before swabbing yet another pinch of cocaine on her gums.

“Ok, so if that is the case, and I’m not saying that it is, but if it is, that still doesn’t change the fact that we both have the potential inside of us. We can both be really funny when we try, or in your case, don’t try.”

“In our case! If I’m gonna’ own it, then you'd better own it too, bitch!” Lexi grinned.

“Fine!” Dee sighed. “You’re missing the point here though. If each of us are funny as individuals, imagine how much more hilarious we could be as a team!”

Lexi thought Dee’s proposition over for a while. She had never considered pursuing comedy as a career path. Maybe not never, but members of her friends and family had certainly managed to stifle any real sense of hope she may have had in making it a reality.

“But I’m so shitty at everything I do. I fucking hate to admit it, but I don’t really think I have any talent.” Lexi sighed.

Dee put a hand on Lexi’s exposed shoulder. A move which took both of them by surprise. Lexi blushed. Her hand wasn’t cold like before. It was warm. Soft. It made her forget her self-loathing for just a second.

“You’re shitty at doing what you think people want from you. Why not try doing what you want instead?”

Lexi looked down for a moment. She breathed deeply, looking like she was preparing herself for something. Then she looked up at Dee’s hopeful face again.

“You know what? Fuck it! I haven’t made anything else work so far. If I fail again, what’s the difference?”

“That’s a good attitude! Sort of!” Dee smiled.

“But we’re gonna need more cocaine!”

“Oh yeah! That’s a given. You know. You actually never told me what you did for that cocaine, so I’m still in the dark here.”

“Can we talk about something else? Like movies or something?”

“Uh, we’re gonna need more coke, and I wanna’ know what I’m getting myself into here. I mean, was it like a hand job? Or did you have to flash your tits, or show your ass?”

“Look. This guy has some really gross, fucked up fetishes, so we’re gonna’ be scouting for someone new. Ok?”

“Well, I mean. I’m not above a little mildly weird kink every now and then if it gets me what I need…”

“Are you willing to be choked and deeply insulted, while an asshole with garlic breath spits in your face and tapes it?”

“Actually, never mind. I know hookers who wouldn’t be down for that.”

“Sex workers!”

“Come again?”

“They’re called sex workers! Stop stripping them of their agency, dildo! It’s all they have!”

“They get a dildo from their agency? That’s something I actually wasn’t aware of.” Dee smirked. Lexi rolled her eyes and smiled back.

“So let me get this straight. You won’t blow the guy, but you’re willing to let him spit in your face and jack off to it later?”

“My mouth is too good for racist cock. So’s the rest of my body. And yeah. Now that you’ve put it that way, I really regret the decisions I’ve made. So are you going to help me find someone or not?” Lexi said.

She promptly stood up and grabbed her purse. Lexi extended a hand towards Dee. She took it and pulled herself upright. Dee’s grin widened as a plan began to formulate.

“Lexi, have you ever considered crack?”

Lexi tilted her head and thought about it for a moment.

“Do you know from experience?”

“Oh yeah, and I can tell you’re gonna love it. It’s literally life changing!”

Lexi grinned devilishly and grabbed Dee’s hand. She pulled her towards the door.

“If that’s the case, I actually think I know someone! Let’s get hooked the fuck up!”

“Fuck yeah!”

In a flash, the two were out the door of what had previously served as an audition room. Dee beamed in her own mind at the amazing luck she was finally having. ‘It’s really true!’ she thought to herself. ‘New York’s a city where dreams really do  come true!’

 

Fin

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that was a ride, wasn't it? I'm not sure if I need to continue reminding you that I don't condone drug use, but I'll say it again anyway. These girls! They just come so close, and then they break your heart! 
> 
> It's ok. I know they're not doing the right thing. Never fear girls. Your Feral Godmeow-ma's here to make sure that even if you do go off the deep end, you at least enjoy the ride. I just hope you learn something from all this, babies. But given your track records, I have my reservations.


End file.
